Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
