i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
