my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
