I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
