My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
