i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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