I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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