She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
