I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
