my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
