I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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