Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
vagina is talking i cant
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
