when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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