what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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