god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
