I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
