Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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