see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
