The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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