Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
