My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
