I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
