you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
