We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
