i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
