tonight lets celebrate not being married
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
