Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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