I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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