Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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