Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
