I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
