i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
