When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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