dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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