your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
