last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
