I could make wine with my vomit
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just pee around me
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
