I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
