My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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