My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
