My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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