the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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