I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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