WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
