im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I have demons in me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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