I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
