I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
