I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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