please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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