just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
